I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
