I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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