I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
