I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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