FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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