He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
