i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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