he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
