Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
