Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
please come you make the beer taste better
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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