Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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