I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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