I met the friendliest cop last night
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
