I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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