He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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