woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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