Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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