are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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