You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
