So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
one might say we're banned from that church
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
