he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
