Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Randomize
