I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
