So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
