i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
