she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
