I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
