Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
