Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
