Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
