one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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