My room smells like vodka and shame
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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