broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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