So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
