he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
