that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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