My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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