She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
