wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
