Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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