omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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