Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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