If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
