I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize