Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
false alarm. still invincible.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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