i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
