She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
