South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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