i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
did i just pee glitter
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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