he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
