You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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