Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
