Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
