A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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