you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize