I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
the raccoons are back...
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