why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
