rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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