4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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